Opinion: Men Don't Go to the Restroom Just to Pee

Except when they’ve been holding it for more than an hour already.

But unlike girls, we can go to the restroom alone and without taking a handbag with us. I sometimes ask my girl friends why do they have to grab someone else when they use the restroom. Can’t they pee alone?

But since I’m supposed to talk about the other uses of the men’s room, I would leave the question on the utilitarian purpose of a girl’s bathroom buddy for the girls to answer.

I’m a frequent visitor of restrooms. If I autographed the walls of every men’s room (and women’s too, coz sometimes some men’s rooms are closed for rehabilitation) I’ve been to, Mother Lily would have already searched for me and cast me as Rica Peralejo’s leading man in the sequel to Banyo Queen. My bladder is that demanding and I don’t care even if the sign before my eyes says that the wall that I’m eroding is exclusively for hounds and other animals of similar species. I just have to give in to the unnatural and abnormal call of my nature - wherever, whenever - except in my pants or someone’s reproductive system.

A place for everything and everything in its place. I don’t mean anything green with that.

But I just realized, if everyone believes in gender equality, then men’s and women’s restrooms should be of equal sizes and with the same facilities. Just because the silhouette of a “HE” doesn’t appear like it’s wearing a skirt, doesn’t mean that our restrooms should look like a letter “i”. And just because most women bring handbags to the restroom, and men do not, does not mean that we don’t go to the restroom to fix our hair, or at least, to check if our hair gel really held our hair in place, or to scrub that greasy thing on our faces. We also want a mirror in our restrooms. Not a broken piece pasted on the wall. A big one.

And checking our faces is not our only extra-urinal activity in the restroom. We sometimes go to the restroom to reroute our misguided appendage, which, for the information of the girls, hurts a lot when suppressed. But unfortunately, some men’s rooms are just made up of hanging jars on the wall and I’m sure it would be very creepy for some guys if someone enters and does nothing but maneuver his you-know-what or worse, pretend that he would pee and pee nothing, just to pacify the surprise revolution happening within. By the way, guys don’t talk to strangers while standing beside each other in the restroom, and explaining to the guy standing next to him that he was there to resolve an internal conflict that stems from an unexpected uprising would definitely scare everyone who hears.

I sometimes think it’s so unfair for feminists to call ours a patriarchal society.

Women can enjoy a little time of privacy inside a cubicle while a man who locks himself up in one would either be suspected of having diarrhea or being uncircumcised. And there’s nothing wrong with diarrhea or being uncut, but to be suspected, when untrue, always sucks. It’s normal for girls to grab a girl friend to the restroom while a guy who wants a private talk with another guy would be suspected of being gay if he asks another to come with him to the restroom. Girls could take as much time as they want when they’re inside the restroom because they’re expected to do a lot of unbuttoning and unzipping and re-buttoning and re-zipping while guys who stay long in the restroom are always accused of masturbation. And there’s nothing wrong with masturbation, but to be accused of doing it in public is almost equivalent to an indictment for rape of a three-month old infant.

I hope this would be the last time that I am going to explain: Men don’t go to the restroom just to pee.

Let’s push for absolute gender equality. This would make this world a better place to live in.

I commend Starbucks for being very gender sensitive. I think their unisex restrooms are the best! You could tell who washed their hands after using the bathroom and those who did not. I also commend UP Shopping Center’s. Their male and female restrooms are equally stinky. That’s gender equality at its best!