“Love mo ko?” I asked.
“Oo naman. Friends tayo eh. Miss na miss na nga kita eh.”
“Kiss ko?” I asked, half-demanding, half-pleading.
She smiled, bent over, and gave me a kiss.
Then she looked at me and wiped the side of my mouth.
How embarrassingly exciting…
Pop!
End of the daydream.
It’s been almost five months now since that “thing” happened, and in that span of time, this is, like the 50th time I have caught myself thinking about it. No exaggeration. When I think about it there is a surge of excitement that comes from within, and yet it is pain I feel more than anything. We could have worked it out just fine. I would’ve been willing to take the risk and wear the I-don’t-care-what-everybody-else-thinks sign. She’s the only one I would do that for.
Too bad, though. That kiss was the beginning and end of everything, friendship included. Actually, we still talk, hug even, for a split second. I couldn’t bear the pain it brings. Every time we do that it just becomes clearer by the minute that I no longer have her, never again will I. Everything is just for show (we have the same circle of friends, they might tease), or maybe for our past’s sake, or to pretend that we both have moved on, though I know it’s crystal clear to her that I have not. She smiles, I smile with her, but there is a strain in my every put-on laugh, and I know she sees it.
Still, I go on pretending. Maybe she doesn’t feel the pain after all. Maybe she doesn’t see the longing to hug her tight and kiss her, long enough to take the life out of her.
Yes, I go on pretending. Acting as if it doesn’t hurt when I see them exchanging looks of love that need no explaining; acting unaffected whenever she kisses her forehead. I think she must really love her. I think she’s very sweet, and life very cruel that she has to do that to another girl. How could she be so insensitive? I told her it’s okay that things are like they are now, that I have indeed accepted everything. But why, oh why, does she take my word for it?
There was a time when I wondered day and night how this could have happened. Let me see…
We were friends; I admired her brilliant mind and her sense of style; and I began looking forward to seeing her if only to smell the fragrance her body willingly lets me breathe in, which is not to say that at this point I was already in love with her. Then one day, at a friend’s house, we decided to drink. Yes, I know you’re saying this is where the problem started. And you’re right.
She was already nearing the point of being drunk, and upon hearing of my entrance, she went down and welcomed me with a hug, and a few hot tears. She told me, quite emotionally, that she missed me so, and that I was so unfair for not having showed up at our recent gimmicks. Naturally, I was touched, nay, overwhelmed, with this show of affection. Without the effect of alcohol, I doubt if she could utter those words. She has always been the quiet type. Still, I wasn’t thinking that anything out-of-the-ordinary would happen. I loved her, till that time, only as a friend.
Then I got drunk, and that’s when things got really messy.
“If, and this is only an if, I told you I love you, not in that way, but in that other, special way, would you ever….?” And then I faltered.
I think that’s how it went. She was, of course, shocked. Till that time we never thought of this possibility, of either of us falling for the other, or for any other girl for that matter. We have “bi” friends, but we two were straights, or so I thought.
The next day, we couldn’t look at each other. We ate: she first, I next. Our friends didn’t know what to do. I tried to talk to her, but she wants none of it. Words would only get in the way, she told me.
She was lying in the sofa when she held out her hand to me. “Lika nga dito, bati na tayo,” and I couldn’t be happier. I went to her, hugged her, and kissed her on the cheek. Once again I smelled that fragrance, as if she were fresh from the shower. This time, I felt different. Like I wanted to bury my head in her neck and just stay there forever. And yes, I wanted to kiss her, really kiss her.
“Love mo ko?” I asked.
“Oo naman. Friends tayo eh. Miss na miss na nga kita eh.”
I was satisfied.
We didn’t talk about what happened. But we were extra sweet that day. It was the most glorious day of my life.
When I was about to leave, I took a chance and asked for a kiss, the kiss that would later turn out to be the cause of both my immense happiness, and such bitter pain; the kiss that now leaves me with an empty look on my face, and a lingering throbbing in my chest.
I didn’t think she’d acquiesce like that. It was the sweetest kiss, and I found myself wanting more, so much more. I thought I’d explode, and if I did, I would have exploded smiling.
She decided to stay at our friend’s house. She got sick so she stayed a bit longer than I expected. It was okay. But what I didn’t know was that something was already brewing there. What was supposed to be friendly and comforting words between her and our friend turned out to be something else. I keep thinking our friend just happened to catch her in her most emotional and vulnerable moment. Our “thing” was something both of us did not take lightly. She had just come out of a, well, “shocking” (then) experience, and there came another girl ready to pull her back up… and up… until she fell. Until now I can’t help but curse myself for not staying longer, for not being the one who pulled her up until she fell. I should’ve done something after the kiss. I should have stayed.
That’s how our story ended, and theirs began.
I thought I’d hate her; but I didn’t. I understood. She also just loved, like me, and all others before me. Some of our friends until now cannot understand how two girls could fall for each other. I do. I’ve been there, and it’d be too ironic if I were the one who wouldn’t understand. No, not ironic, but selfish.
It’s probably too obvious that I’m still in pain, having allowed myself to write about them in only one paragraph and a few sentences before that. But I’m surviving, fighting, even, as any person should. It’s enough that I have that kiss to remember her by. I will always thank her for that.
It was not just an act. It was an emotion. It was everything we felt combined and locked together in a kiss, in our lips. It was love, trust, companionship, gratefulness, peace, relief, security, joy, and friendship, all in one kiss.
