December 19, 2006
YOU: I love you, hon. Happy second anniversary.
ME: Love you din. Happy birthday, Panget!
Meeting you has been wonderful. A learning experience indeed. Like learning a new way of life. Since I met you I learned of a new kind of happiness. Not just being happy with myself, but being happy all over; literally feeling happy from my head to toe, from my fingertips to the roots of my hair, from my arteries to my veins, from my navel to my nose, from my cells to my molecules. I think exhilarated is the more appropriate word.
For a while life was perfect, shining perfect. But all good things must come to an end, right? And in an instant, in one phone call, in one dreadful sentence said two and a half years after we met, I learned of a new kind of hurt, a new kind of pain, a new kind of sorrow.
*Angina pectoris , a squeezing substernal chest pain typically described as a feeling of tightness or fullness, or oppression. The pain results when the oxygen demand in the heart muscle exceeds the supply and is unable to function properly. It is usually precipitated by activity (physical or emotional stress) and is relieved by rest or by administration of nitroglycerin.
*Myocardial infarction is the death of the heart muscle because of prolonged lack of oxygen. This brings about an acutely crushing and excruciating chest pain that radiates to the arm, shoulder, jaw, or back. It is not relieved by rest, but by administration of morphine. This is more commonly known as a heart attack.
Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. I first set eyes on you standing in the middle of the room at a common friend’s party. My heart went LubDubLubDubLubDub. I felt something in my chest, like a light bulb lighting up and giving me a warm glow, however corny it may sound. It wasn’t a chest pain but a definite sensation and a welcomed one at that.
First Date. Something ignited in my chest. A tingling sensation that radiated to my cheeks and gave me a blush; a reaction precipitated by you staring into my eyes and relieved by me averting my eyes.
Holding your hands caused a feeling inside of me I couldn’t quite explain. It was like eating chocolates after a going on a strict diet or like having an extension of me…Heavenly. That’s how it felt. A heavenly feeling from my chest that radiated all over my skin; I didn’t want it relieved.
First Kiss (and all other kisses thereafter) brought about explosions in my chest that radiated through my entire existence, all my thoughts, memories, experiences were affected. Ah…the bliss that it brought! I craved the feeling and I wanted it as often as possible.
First Fight. There was a tennis ball lodged inside my chest cavity. It hurt and it radiated to my head in a pounding rhythm. This pain was due to a misunderstanding and resolved by a long talk followed by our
First Kiss and Make Up Session. A multitude of all sorts of deliriously euphoric feelings brought about by embraces, kisses, caresses, and much, much more. A new kind of happiness, really, that became a part of me, a part of us. And all I had to do to feel it was to think of you, knowing that I had you, that you were mine, and I was yours was enough to give me a high like I’ve never known before.
January 6, 2006, 11:48 pm
Woman’s voice: (muffled) Tempted, nasaan ka?
Woman’s voice: **Rico naaksidente… (static) …come… (she cries) …punta ka Ospital ng Muntinlupa… (line goes dead)
I can’t remember anything after that. When the line went dead, I died too.
Somehow I knew you were already gone. I felt it. In my chest, I felt it; a heavy crushing feeling of intense pain, disbelief, despair, torment, and panic all fighting with the little hope I had in my heart. But I knew. I knew that’s why I felt the pain in my chest because of the thought of having lost you and it could have only been relieved if my instincts were proved wrong. It was pain like I’ve never felt before, it radiated through my entire body, my entire being.
In the cab, on my way to you, my Love, I died again. Second time that night.
Chest pain. Directly over the spot where my heart lies. It’s here. Still here. I feel it. When I saw your mother at the E.R. the chest pain moved up my throat and became confined there. I felt a choking feeling when I saw Tita and as I looked into her eyes I understood. No words were needed.
I already knew and she did too. Again it was in my chest, a great big repeatedly stabbing feeling in my chest as I realized the hard truth that I have lost you. The only thing that could have relieved the pain was if I had you back. But I can’t have you back, not then, not now, not ever. I had you but I lost you and I can’t have you back. That’s why the pain remained.
Walking in the hallway on my way to the morgue where you lay, my Darling, I died for the third time that night.
Since your death I have died a thousand times, but each of those times a part of me persists to stay alive. And that is you. You are and will always be a part of me and it is the reason why I still haven’t given up on life. I would still give everything and do anything to have you back, to feel happy once again even if for just a few minutes. I miss you, Panget.
The pain has now become a familiar dull ache. An ache brought about by missing you so much and relieved only by reliving memories of you. You are my nitroglycerin and my morphine. I love you. Forever.