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Personal Thoughts : Growing Pains
Contributed by tse-tse (Edited by )
Friday, March 12, 2004 @ 03:14:59 PM
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I watch my 10 year-old brother hurriedly gulp down his breakfast and rush to his schoolbus, fresh and anxious to know what the new day holds for him. I do not know about you, but more often than not, looking at kids in their cute uniforms brings me back to a place and time that have taught me more lessons than any other experience ever had: CDSL, first floor, left wing…the room of I-Galileo 1992-93.
Only a few of my friends know, but yes, I was the Galileo class’ laughingstock. Actually, describing how I was in that class as ‘laughingstock’ will be putting it mildly. I’m sorry if I sound vague, but I really do not want to discuss in detail how bad those freshman days were for me. Just think of all sorts of hurtful names that a kid could be called and think that I’ve been labeled that. Conjure up all kinds of humiliation and embarrassment that could befall a kid and imagine that they all happened to me. Perhaps some would say I’m exaggerating, but that’s how it felt like. And you all understand how high school kids could be quite relentless. Of course, pleas and tears only made the teasing worse. So with all the strength that my 13-year old heart could muster, I tried to swallow all the insults that were thrown at me, act as if everything’s okay, and keep my grief to myself.
But to some extent, that proved more devastating to my character. I got so used to suppressing pain that even though the trauma brought about by that fateful year remains with me ‘til now, I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about all that happened. Despite the knowledge that talking about stuff that hurt you could be therapeutic, I still could not openly discuss it. Not even with my closest friends. And there is perhaps nothing worse than feeling so low, yet scared that no one will ever understand.
You know how pathetic I used to feel? There were moments when I looked at myself in the mirror and cried because I did not like what I saw. On occasions when I actually did, I was still hounded by the thought that when I remove all the make-up and the nice clothes, I would still be the same ugly girl that they once mercilessly teased. There were even instances when I felt like I was not entitled to certain things because my looks didn’t measure up. I denied myself of opportunities because there were times when the fear of rejection was just too much. I tried to tell myself it’s over and that, being young, my classmates then probably weren’t aware of the possible repercussions of their actions. But I must admit that it was very difficult to get over the trauma. I know this is no excuse, but if you’ve had twenty-something boys pointing out all your faults and pounding on your head that you are ugly every single day…well, you just can’t help but believe them. Indeed, all the events that took place during that year were the major source of my biggest insecurities.
I let myself wallow in misery and self-pity for quite a great deal of time. Every disappointment and every failure that came my way were attributed to the events that happened in that class because they caused the discomfort that I felt about myself. On the outside I looked smug and confident, but inside I was shaky, and scared, and bitter.
However, one can only take so much self-flagellation. It came to a point that I got so saturated with my own loneliness that I had to finally set my foot down and tell myself that enough is enough. Determined to get all my thoughts back in perspective, I made room for major, and daily, introspection. Day after day, I made progress as I continuously recounted all the blessings that were bestowed upon me. I then reached the conclusion that all the things I lack really do pale in comparison to all that I already have. I was suddenly aware of all my strengths, my capabilities, and the abundant possibilities that lay before me. With that newfound mindset, I was certain then that it will take more than just sneers and ridicule to get me down or make me think badly about myself again.
I must admit that there are still days when negative thoughts threaten to overwhelm me. Nonetheless, I am also consoled by my belief that what happened was as much a test of trust as it was of strength. Despite being badly burned, I never lost faith in the natural goodness of life and my ability to make things better for myself. I constantly endeavor to improve and never let my spirit stagnate or stunt in growth. Surges of excitement course through me whenever I think that there are still many roles to play, heights to reach, lives to touch…and I cannot afford to waste any more time.
Before, I was terrified by the prospect of seeing former classmates. Now, it serves as both a challenge and an opportunity for me to prove to them this adage: there is more to me than meets the eye. And for every person who admits that he/she had misjudged me and tells me, “Ok ka naman pala eh!”, more is chipped off of the emotional baggage that weighed me down for years. Admissions like that further reinforce my conviction that, despite my frailties and imperfections, I am still pretty content with what I was born with. A little more time and I will be completely healed of all the wounds that that particular adversity had left behind.
I can hardly wait.
It is always very easy to sulk and blame natural circumstances or other people for our troubles. But unless you want to live in bitterness and anger for the rest of your life, that’s not the way to go. Remember that although it’s true that other people have the power to hurt us, we likewise have the power to let ourselves heal and move on. We may not have control over our surroundings or what other people will think or say about us, but we do have control over our own thoughts and actions. We are never really totally hopeless. And that, for me, is the most important thing.
Everytime I look back to those difficult times, I think about how much I’ve grown over the past years. Now I realize that growing up does not really mean being numb or free of all pain. In fact, growing up entails more hurt, greater pain, and bigger sufferings. But it also means seeing the lessons that come with every tragedy and being able to get your self back together after being broken. And the moment one realizes all this is perhaps the biggest turning point in the process of growing up.
"Life, the ruthless, relentless teacher, expects us to learn by half-killing us.”
- Anonymous
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|  | Writings - Personal Thoughts
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| Personal Thoughts : Growing Pains | 14 comments | | | |
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Re: by tekpi
Friday, March 12, 2004 @ 03:46:35 PM
 | | “Ok ka naman pala eh!” nice artik! :)
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Re: hey... by ishda
Friday, March 12, 2004 @ 05:01:41 PM
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dont let anyone get the best of u from now on...look at how u write, ur a very intelligent girl. physical traits pale in comparison with the huge stuff u got there on ur brains...
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Re: I hope you'll completely heal by moohlan
Saturday, March 13, 2004 @ 12:07:42 AM
| It's good that you are having better perspectives now. I will pray that you'll completely heal.
One advise though, try to look through you "own" eyes and heart to see your own reflection the next time you look at the mirror. Disregard what other people have said, especially those that are probably made by those who have distorted views about life and about people.
Try to find who you are, and let other people appreciate you for that.
Good luck!=)
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Re: by carabella
Saturday, March 13, 2004 @ 02:40:02 AM
| ...Remember that although it’s true that other people have the power to hurt us, we likewise have the power to let ourselves heal and move on. We may not have control over our surroundings or what other people will think or say about us, but we do have control over our own thoughts and actions...
very well said! nice artik!
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Re: inspiring by substance
Saturday, March 13, 2004 @ 07:37:01 AM
| very inspiring artik mo. there really are people who can hurt us so much and leave such remarkable scars. good for you na-oovercome mo na sya.
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Re: inspiring by seminarista
Saturday, March 13, 2004 @ 09:09:33 AM
| This is very inspiring. I can totally relate to the bad experiences you had in HS becoz I also underwent the same experiences. But I guess, mas matindi yung pinagdaanan mo. For one, hindi ako naging laughingstock. But anyway, nice to know na ok ka na.
very well written piece...
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Re: by tukneneng
Saturday, March 13, 2004 @ 03:44:52 PM
| <i>"...growing up entails more hurt, greater pain, and bigger sufferings."</i>
ayos. galing.Ü
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Re: by lostgirl
Saturday, March 13, 2004 @ 11:31:55 PM
| Ive also experienced the same things..back in HS i wore these really thick glasses and people laughed at me as well...in college I bloomed into this really pretty woman...and classmates back in HS can hardly believe it...some tell me that "ok ka naman pala" line...and I tell them, you just never really knew me.
Now, may mga nang-aaway pa rin..even after college ha...to the point they at one time brought me to those days that i felt so insecure about mysel...pero I know better..you're right..we all have to go to really hard phases to be able to learn something big...and I think we're are blessed to have been beaten by life coz were so much stronger and better inside....!
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Re: writing is a therapy... by alpha_10114
Sunday, March 14, 2004 @ 01:20:50 AM
| don't let them waste the best of you.
time heals wounds, i hope it has the power to heal yours.
continue writing...
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[No Subject] by kwissy
Sunday, March 14, 2004 @ 02:20:49 PM
| sana pwedeng bata na lang tayong lahat poreber!
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Re: astig by reisyn
Sunday, March 14, 2004 @ 04:21:32 PM
| glad you've claimed back your self-worth. :) don't let anyone make you feel as if you're nothing... coz you're not. :)
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Re: ........................................................ by simple_black
Monday, March 15, 2004 @ 10:19:00 AM
| you have something naman that others don't have and they can't take that away from..........
do'nt think of your physical looks coz what matter most in life is a persons inner self.......... the attitude dude!
remember that God created us all with a purpose.. see you're a good wwriter naman di ba........
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Re:u go girl! by gilbert_grape
Tuesday, March 16, 2004 @ 01:15:46 PM
| galing, ganda ng article mo, nakakainspire tlg. nkakainspire din ung personality mo kse despite your growing pains, u've managed to become a fine person - indeed a true measure of strength, f u ask me.
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Re: Desiderata by onomatopoeia
Wednesday, March 17, 2004 @ 05:56:43 AM
| ~~Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
~~As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
~~Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
~~Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
~~If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
~~Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
~~Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
~~Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of
trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high
ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
~~Be yourself.
~~Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all arridity and disenchantement, it is as perrenial as the grass.
~~Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
~~Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
~~Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
~~Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors
and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its
sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
~~Be cheerful.
~~Strive to be happy.
--by Unknown
At some dark point in my life, a friend once told me --as I absent-mindedly hit my toe on a table-corner-- "Don't hurt yourself." I knew she meant it literally. But I understood it to be, "Other people have already hurt you; the last thing you want to do is to hurt yourself." Funny how everyone has a message for you: you just have to know how to decipher it at the right time.
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